Marriage

Several of my friends have recently asked me to honestly tell them how I’m doing being married. How am I adjusting since I was single for most of my life.  I’m only sharing this because I’ve been encouraged to do so. Here goes...

Marriage is amazing!!! Being married to Jeff... I truly don’t have words. He is Christ in human form to me. No, I’m not just seeing things with rose colored glasses. It’s true.

There are a lot of great godly men out there. The church hopefully is full of them but in many cases there’s truly only a handful. Jeff is far grander then what people see of him on an average Sunday mornings. I have one of those extremely rare men who truly displays the fruit of the spirit in all areas of his life. It’s amazing to not only see but receive those fruits daily.

When you marry young, you walk through each others sanctification processes. That’s an amazing process to be apart of. There are such sweet rewards in walking a life time with someone. Because I married late in life, both Jeff and I had already gone through a lot of that sanctification process separately. Don’t misunderstand me, we definitely are not finished and our marriage is not perfect. But we bring to our marriage an image of Christ that’s is (struggling for the right word here) more formed... more transformed...I'll give you a few examples.

Jeff has not once gotten angry with me or me with him. Not once have we been impatient with each other. To me that’s absolutely crazy but it’s true. I can hear the synic say "give it time."  My response, "We will see..."  Here's why.  If we don’t understand each other, we just graciously talk it out. I haven’t had my feelings hurt by him.  Why?  Because I know Jeff's heart and I understand his motives.  They are pure and sacrificial.  I believe the best in him. He does the same to me.  I also think we don’t sweat the small stuff.  Jeffsees my “weaknesses” but doesn’t see them as “weaknesses.” In ways that one can get irritated with another, he doesn’t.  He also doesn't put his expectations on me nor do I put mine on him,  He doesn’t see the things I do with critical/negative eyes. I pray I do the same for him.

Here is another example I have seen others fall into that I pray I will always be sensitive towards. Some would see Jeff's stacks of folders and papers around the house as "clutter".  I pray I will always see beyond the so called "clutter" and see/appreciate the way God created Jeff.  Jeff is brilliant and he processes things by creating lists.  When studying for a sermon or a bible study, he makes lists/notes and has folders by subject for each of the various topics.  Could I get upset with the "mess" around the house? I guess I could but I honestly don't.  Why?  I think it's because I know and understand what he needs to do to process the task in front of him.  When he is done with the task, the notes and/or piles get filed away.

Here is another example... Jeff sees me as fearfully and wonderfully made. He sees how God has created me and rejoices in it. Could I be smarter? Could I be more academically compatible with regards to his brilliance? Sure! Could I be less emotional? 100%!!!! Should I and could I be skinner? Definitely!

Jeff wants me healthy (spiritually, emotionally and physically) but he loves and rejoices in the body, mind, and soul God gave me. I pray I do the same to him.

For those that know me well, you know that God gave me whales on my 40th Birthday while surrounded by some of my dearest friends. For me those whales were an expression of my heavenly bridegroom loving his bride. Me!  God used His creation to speak His truths into my life. His Glory was on display.

During my 50th year, God gave me Jeff. Jeff is a more glorified expression of my heavenly bridegroom’s love for his bride. ME!!! God is now using human form to speak His truths into my life. It daily takes my breath away. It truly does.

I have “baggage” from my sanctification process. Jeff does too. But our marriage doesn’t seem to carry “baggage” from the years of sanctification. Instead it seems to carry the fruit produced from the sanctification process. For me, we are in many cases on the other side of it all and our marriage truly is the gospel message in human form. God’s mercy and grace. God’s patience and kindness.  God's peace, His gentleness and His joy!

Is our marriage perfect?  No, but it’s amazingly sweet and I see with my earthly eyes Christ walking here on earth through my husband.

My rhema word... "My heart is at home!"

Several years ago, I heard the Lord speak, not in an audible voice but an internal assurance that my heart was “at home” with a young lady at my church.  Each time I was in her presence, I would walk away with the sense that my heart was “at home” with her.  The impression was placed on my heart and lasted for months.  I tried to figure it out but had no conclusion at the time as to what it meant.  I mentioned it to her and she said she also didn’t know what it meant but loved the idea.  I mentioned it to another friend who in return told me the young lady I was referring to had recently lost her mom so at the time I thought maybe it had to do with the deep and painful loss of our moms however I wasn’t sure.  I won’t get into all the details in this post however as a result of a lot of crazy God moments, I ended up married her dad in 2018.

Continuing to staying away from the details, the last few years my relationship with her has been nonexistent. In many ways, I really don't matter to her. She doesn't acknowledge me as part of her family. I simply don't exists in her world. She has felt betrayed by me and I have been wounded by her words and actions however through it all, I have longed for connection and healing. 

Saturday, November 9, 2019 I went to a women’s conference.  At the conference, Havilah Cunnington spoke on warfare and the need to have a rhema word.  Rhema literally means an "utterance" or "thing said" in Greek. It is a word that signifies the action of utterance. She challenged us to be in the word of God daily however when the enemy comes to steal and destroy, we need a rhema word to fight with.  

According to the Strong's Concordance (#G4487), Rhema means an utterance (individually, collectively or specifically) on a particular matter or topic. Thayer's Greek Definitions defines the word as something that has been uttered, in either the past or the present, by a living entity.The first time Rhema is used in the New Testament is during Jesus' forty-day temptation by Satan. Jesus, after being tempted to feed himself through a miracle after fasting for a long period, responds with the following.  But He (Jesus) answered and said, "It is written, 'Man shall not live by bread alone, but by every word (Rhema) that proceeds out of the mouth of God.'" (Matthew 4:4, HBFV)   

Let me explain, Havilah used the analogy of how a man in biblical times would train for battle.  The worrier would daily train by using an extra-long, extra-heavy sword and would practice swinging with the sword to build up strength and endurance.  Havilah said that is the same as reading the bible daily.  We need to be in the Word so that we know what God’s truth says – being in God’s word builds up our spiritual strength and endurance.  However, when the same man went into battle, he didn’t carry that extra-long, extra heavy sword but instead he carried a lighter, shorter and sharper sword.  Why?  In battle, the warrior wasn’t out to cut the enemy.  The warrior was out to pierce and kill the enemy with one stab.  The same is true with a rhema word.  When satin tries to speak lies into our lives, we need to have a rhema word (utterance/thing said) to kill and destroy those lies.

At the end of the session, Havilah asked that we spend a few moments in silence asking God to give us a rhema word for the trial or situation we find ourselves in.  She gave examples like “I am chosen.”  “I am forgiven.”  “I am a child of God.” Etc.

I sat there and waited for a few moments but didn’t receive a word from the Lord.  Then an amazing image cross my mind.  In the vision, I saw myself sitting in a chair and the young lady I mentioned earlier (my husband's daughter) came and knelt beside me as a form of greeting.  In the vision, I was so please to see her, I immediately put my arms around her and embraced her.  When I did, she started to cry and I cried as well.  No words were exchanged but there was a warmth in the embrace and the vision left me feeling a sense of warmth and hope throughout my whole body.  The warmth washed over me in an amazing way. At the same time this happen, Havilah said, “For some of you God will give you a word, for others it may be a vision.”  It was then that I heard the Lord’s say, “Have I not told you… your heart is at home with her.”  When I opened my eyes to look at Havilah, she was standing at a spot on the stage where my husband’s daughter (who was playing the keyboard) was directly behind Havilah’s left shoulder.  There was no way not to see her.  I sat there in ah of how God speaks into my life. He gave me assurance that he is at work and I just need to claim his promises!!!  God is for me, who can be against me!

At the end of the conference, I walked away with the sense that no matter what takes place - in the long run - God’s got a plan and that I need to have hope while waiting.  God gave me a word.  A promise.  As I wait for that promise to unfold, I need to live within my Rhema word that “My heart is at home.”

Dear "John"

Just in case someone out there needs to know you can live without that person... here is a "Dear John" letter I wrote to someone years and years ago.  I was written to someone who asked if I wanted to marry him.  I was 39 and the window of getting married and having a family was closing shut on me.  I had to decide if I was going to trust God...

Dear "John"

I have always been one that gives people the benefit of the doubt and as I said on Saturday (in regards to your e-mail below) I couldn’t say one way or the other if we were compatible as I really don’t think I know you any longer.  I know I have changed over the years and as I said on the phone, I am sure you had as well.

I do desire to be loved, I do desire to be married and to have a partner in this life but I have also learned over the years that I don’t need marriage or a partner to be loved and to have purpose in this world.  I have and hope to continue to learn to let God be my true bridegroom and allow Him to love and meet my needs like no one else can.  I have decided to look to the only one who can truly meet my deepest needs and desires.  If I eventually do get married – I believe this way of thinking will free up my husband from a need to be more than he was created to be.

With that in mind…  I am half way through life but I am aware that my life could be taken tomorrow.  So what do I want to do with my remaining days?  I want the remaining days of my life to honor God.  I know it sounds simple but that is it in a nutshell.  I want to walk close to Him, be obedient to Him and even though I am a weak, feeble sinner - I want my life to be pleasing to Him.  I want the same from a life partner.  I don’t want someone that is perfect and I don’t’ expect him to have a clean past… but I do want someone that is currently living for the Lord and I do expect him to continue to grow in the Lord until God calls us home.

As Phil 3 says, I am running a race – the goal line is set before me.  I do not want to be entangled by the things of this world – what I need and want is someone that wants to run along side me, someone to encourage and be encouraged by.  I do not want nor need someone that will slow me.  This life is the only life I have to offer the Lord and I don’t want to mess it up.

I try to be a person of my word and I expect the same from others.  Life happens and one needs to be flexible – I think I am the first to take someone at their word and give them the benefit of the doubt but there is a difference in being flexible and being taken advantage of.  I need and expect people to do what they say they are going to do.  If they say they will call, they call.  If they say they will meet me, they meet me.  When I am sick, I often get up and go into work because I said I would get something done.

It is also important to be active in church, be in a bible study and to have spiritual mentors in life.  If I am to marry – these are the things I want.  You don’t marry someone you can live with – you marry someone you can’t live without.  You marry someone when you find that their happiness in life is more important than your own.

I do not want to be one that judges another – I have no idea where you are in life.  All I can say is that I have prayed about this since your e-mail and I have no clear direction in moving forward with this.  Unless you can honestly say you have been, are and plan to continue to actively pursue a deep relationship with God, if you can honestly say you are one that tries to be a man of your word, if you are currently active in church, hopefully in a bible study and wouldn’t mind a spiritual mentor, if you can honestly say you are running a race and want to run it along side a partner – give me a call and we can see were it will take us.

If not, let’s just chalk this up as God crossing our paths again on this journey called life.