I have always been one that gives people the benefit of the doubt and as I said on Saturday (in regard to your e-mail below) I couldn’t say one way or the other if we were compatible as I really don’t think I know you any longer. I know I have changed over the years and as I said on the phone, I am sure you had as well.
I do desire to be loved, I do desire to be married and to have a partner in this life, but I have also learned over the years that I don’t need marriage or a partner to be loved and to have purpose in this world. I have and hope to continue to learn to let God be my true bridegroom and allow Him to love and meet my needs like no one else can. I have decided to look to the only one who can truly meet my deepest needs and desires. If I eventually do get married – I believe this way of thinking will free up my husband from a need to be more than he was created to be.
With that in mind… I am halfway through life, but I am aware that my life could be taken tomorrow. So, what do I want to do with my remaining days? I want the remaining days of my life to honor God. I know it sounds simple but that is it in a nutshell. I want to walk close to Him, be obedient to Him and even though I am a weak, feeble sinner - I want my life to be pleasing to Him. I want the same from a life partner. I don’t want someone that is perfect, and I don’t’ expect him to have a clean past… but I do want someone that is currently living for the Lord, and I do expect him to continue to grow in the Lord until God calls us home.
As Phil 3 says, I am running a race – the goal line is set before me. I do not want to be entangled by the things of this world – what I need and want is someone that wants to run alongside me, someone to encourage and be encouraged by. I do not want nor need someone that will slow me. This life is the only life I have to offer the Lord and I don’t want to mess it up.
I try to be a person of my word and I expect the same from others. Life happens and one needs to be flexible – I think I am the first to take someone at their word and give them the benefit of the doubt but there is a difference in being flexible and being taken advantage of. I need and expect people to do what they say they are going to do. If they say they will call, they call. If they say they will meet me, they meet me. When I am sick, I often get up and go into work because I said I would get something done.
It is also important to be active in church, be in a bible study and to have spiritual mentors in life. If I am to marry – these are the things I want. You don’t marry someone you can live with – you marry someone you can’t live without. You marry someone when you find that their happiness in life is more important than your own.
I do not want to be one that judges another – I have no idea where you are in life. All I can say is that I have prayed about this since your e-mail, and I have no clear direction in moving forward with this. Unless you can honestly say you have been, are and plan to continue to actively pursue a deep relationship with God, if you can honestly say you are one that tries to be a man of your word, if you are currently active in church, hopefully in a bible study and wouldn’t mind a spiritual mentor, if you can honestly say you are running a race and want to run it alongside a partner – give me a call and we can see where it will take us.
If not, let’s just chalk this up as God crossing our paths again on this journey called life.
UPDATING THIS POST
This is part of the Beth Moore post I posted years ago. I wrote this e-mail to him in August 2008, right before I left for Ireland with my sister and 3 months before the Beth Moore conference. Sadly, after this e-mail I opened the door to a relationship with the man when deep down I knew God was saying, 'No." I was afraid. I didn't want to close the door to the chance of marriage.
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