The barren woman…

 

 

1 Samuel 1:3-8 (ESV) “Now this man used to go up year by year from his city to worship and to sacrifice to the Lord of hosts at Shiloh, where the two sons of Eli, Hophni and Phinehas, were priests of the Lord.  On the day when Elkanah sacrificed, he would give portions to Peninnah his wife and to all her sons and daughters.  But to Hannah he gave a double portion, because he loved her, though the Lord had closed her womb.  And her rival used to provoke her grievously to irritate her, because the Lord had closed her womb.  So it went on year by year.  As often as she went up to the house of the Lord, she used to provoke her.  Therefore Hannah wept and would not eat.  And Elkanah, her husband, said to her, “Hannah, why do you weep?  And why do you not eat?  And why is your heart sad?  Am I not more to you than ten sons?”

For those not married or married without children, the chances are pretty good that you understand Hannah situation.  Sadly, even in today’s society, we still live under the power of comparisons.  People often think something is wrong with you if you’re not married or if you don’t have children.  Hannah was no different. She was barren during a time in history when not having children was both deeply embarrassing and enormously shameful.  A woman’s importance came from her role as a mother.  Her security and inherence was found in being married and having male offspring.  Because of Hannah’s barren state, she was denied the tender moments of participating and playing an active role as the mother at the ritual meals.  Can you image the consistent feelings of loneliness and inadequacy she felt daily but more specifically during the time of sacrifice at Shiloh?

However scripture give a pretty good description of Elkanah feelings towards Hannah.  He had a special bond with Hannah that was unconditional.  He didn’t hold her barrenness against her but embraced her.  Still, Hannah wept and would not eat despite Elkanah’s devotion to her.

While Hannah couldn’t have children, Peninnah could.  Peninnah seemed to be jealous that Elkanah gave double the portion to Hannah “because he loved her” and as a result she taunted Hannah.  It clearly states in scripture, that Peninnah “provoke her grievously to irritate her.”  Why?  Why would someone be so cruel?  Why does it irritate me and surprise me that God mentions this?  In my own life, I have had people choose (it is a choice) to be jealous and cruel to me rather than choose to rejoice in God’s answer to a long period of waiting.

It is easy to see Peninnah as the villain in the story, but she suffered too.  She was forced to complete for her husband's attention.  Elkanah openly showed favor to Hannah, and it pitted the two wives and their children against each other.  Peninnah's response to Hannah was out of insecurity and out of hurt.  Don't misunderstand me.  I am not excusing her behavior.  What she did was wrong, and it show the maturity of her heart.  I am just shining light on the truth of her situation as well.  Why can't we as human being rejoice in our situations.  Why can't it be enough that Hannah had Elkanah's love?  Why can't it be enough that Peninnah had been given the gift of children?  Why do we want what others have?  Why do we want more?

The next thing I notice is that the story of Hannah's encounter with God doesn't begin from a place of praise.  It begins from a place of pain.  Pain that she had been living with for years.  Why do I have this comforting?  Hannah lamented and was honest about her pain.

If I am honest… Because of my long suffering in singleness and barrenness, when I suffer hurt or disappointment, I tend to see it through the lens of it never ending.  I lean towards thinking it will always be this way.  It is almost as if it’s a full stop to a dream or longing for me.  Kind of a death to a longing for more.  Even though God has redeemed so much in my life, I can be tempted to withdraw from others in order to protect myself from further sorrow.  Not always… but I can shut down by no longer expecting things to change for the better.  I am learning to catch myself, change that narrative and in return change my actions. 

Today I remind myself that, for Hannah, this was only the start of her story.  Over the next few days as she wrestles with God.  She spoke out her anxiety and vexation.  She lamented.  Hannah says to Eli, “Do not regard your servant as a worthless woman, for all along I have been speaking out of my great anxiety and vexation.” Then Eli answered, “Go in peace, and the God of Israel grant your petition that you have made to him.” And she said, “Let your servant find favor in your eyes.” Then the woman went her way and ate, and her face was no longer sad. God begins to unfold a new future for her… Will I dare to let Him do the same for me?

Are there any disappointments in my life that feel like a full stop to a dream, desire or longing?  Like Hannah, have they come to define me, either in my eyes or in the eyes of others?  Am I letting others who taunt me from a place of pain in their lives provoke and hurt me?

Lord, this is not the end of my story.  Restore my hope and give me dreams for the future!

Question:  Is there a person or group that I am holding resentment towards because I feel that they have let me down or did something wrong to me from a place of pain in their lives?  Is there a situation in which I am being taunted that I can see it is more about them, than me?  Better yet, is there a situation in which I am jealous of what others have?  If so, I choose to bring those things before the Lord and ask God to heal the wounds that drove the situation to take place in the first place.

Yielding prayer:  God, I yield to you any hurt or disappointment I feel towards others.  I ask you to encounter them today with your love.  Lead all parties involved towards repentance, to forgiveness, and towards healing in Jesus' name.

Psalm 27:13-14  "I believe I shall look upon the goodness of the LORD in the land of the living!  Wait for the LORD; be strong, and let your heart take courage; wait for the LORD!"

The Gift of Time and Leaving Well...

 

A childhood friend that I have walked life with recently received the hard news that she has aggressive cancer.  I wrote her a letter that I want to save and put out in the world.  The content is too important not to share.

"Ever since you revealed your diagnosis, I haven’t stopped thinking of “stuff” I want to share with you.  If at any point, this letter is too much, put it down. You know my heart.  I will, with all my heart, battle your diagnosis through prayer.  There is power in prayer and there is power in the name of Jesus.  I believe in it with every ounce of my being.  I continually pray the powerful healing name of Jesus over your body daily and often hourly as you come to mind.  As I said before, the only power I have to change this physical situation is through the power of prayer, but I can challenge you spiritually.

Your main focus is to fight hard against this cancer.  To do everything in your power to fight it.  You need to give it 100% of your energy.  I believe our God heals and until He takes us home, we need to live this life to the fullest and fight against the enemy.  We need to not let anything rob us of the mission God has set before us.  

Part of fighting hard against cancer is allowing yourself the grace to mourn and lament over this diagnosis. I will share more about that later.  

At the same time, you have been given something else… a beautiful and powerful gift that also needs 100% of your attention.  At times, it will take everything in you to live it out.  When we talked on Thursday night, we both agreed that you now have a new mission.  A chapter of your life that will be extremely hard at times, but for whatever reason God has entrusted you with it.  

You may not remember this, but I sure do.  When my mom died, you told me you were jealous.  I asked why and you said, “The Lord took my dad in an instant.  I didn’t get to say goodbye.  God gave you time with your mom.”  Our God is a gracious god.  He was no less gracious to you with the loss of your dad than he was to me with the loss of my mom, but I understood your pain.  

I want to flip that narrative though and look at it differently.  Our gracious God gives each of us different gifts, different trials, and different responsibilities.  Early on, you got the beautiful gift of marriage and babies while I got the gift of singleness for a very long season in my life.  Both were beautiful gifts however each had their own trials and responsibilities that came with them.  We do not know the hour God will call any of us home however I do know with everything in me, God has given you the beautiful gift and responsibility of time through this diagnosis.  The truth is that we are all given the gift of time but so many of us do not live with the reality of it until a trial like this comes along.  

My mom lived those 12 weeks with intentionality.  She fought the cancer hard.  She however saw something bigger than just the cancer when she was diagnosed.  For her, every encounter with others became sacred.  Looking back, I think my mom always lived that way but after the diagnosis, it catapulted her.  Every hospital stay, she was present for those that came into her room.  But it was so much more than that too.  My mom left this earth well.  Please hear me clearly.  I don’t believe your diagnosis has to be a death sentence.  I am praying and believe in complete healing here on earth.  With that said, let it awaken you to a new mission.  My mom intentionally met with those she loved and said what she needed to say to them.  I can’t speak for my siblings but for me she left no word unspoken.  Those words have lived on in me for these past 14 years.  The conversations we had brought healing and freedom in my life.  The rest of this e-mail I want to focus on that… leave nothing unsaid or undone.  As Christians we do not talk about this part of running the race well.  Until God calls you home, your mission is to fight the cancer hard, but you still have a mission with your family and close friends.  I will be blunt.  You are not finished training your girls in the way they should go.  You are not finished being a help-mate to your husband.  You are not finished bringing healing and freedom to your family and friends.  How you walk out your diagnosis in faith is huge but just as important and maybe even more important is how you walk out your faith with your family.  

Please, I beg you.  Be like my mom.  Leave nothing unspoken or unresolved.  Tell those around you how proud and thankful you are for each of them.  There are also hard conversations you are going to have to have as well.  Conversations that will take everything in you.  You are going to need to have hard conversations with your spouse and hard conversations with the girls (& probably some hard conversations with family/friends too) in order to bring healing and release so that they can be all God has called them to be.  I have seen both sides of illness.  I have seen the beautiful gift of earthly healing and I have seen the beautiful gift of complete heavenly healing.  It is the second I want to challenge you on.  If God calls you home, you will be free and completely whole; however your family will still be here on earth.  How you leave them will matter… leave them whole.  With the way my life unfolded, I have seen and walked life alongside the loss of loved ones.  I now fully understand some of the things my mom said during our last conversation before she was called home.  

My mom’s words live in my heart and mind, but I wish I had written them down.  I would love to encourage you to record or start a journal for your husband and the girls… maybe three journals (one for each).  I am sharing some of the stuff my mom shared with me, but I am also sharing some of my own experiences too.  Through Christ, you have the power to live free and free those you love.  This freedom I am talking about (in a lot of ways) can only come from you.  

As I said, share with each of them how proud you are of them.  Leave nothing unsaid.  Tell them your dreams and hopes both physically but also spiritually for them.  Point them over and over again to God as often as possible.  Write to them… journal and challenge them in areas you may have stayed away from challenging them in the past.  

As hard as it will be for you to read this next section… do it Gayle.  Talk to your husband… Have hard conversations.  I am not just talking about your finances and inheritance but the more important stuff we sometimes try to void.  You probably already know what those conversations need to be.  But in case you need a little help… If there are things that need resolution in your marriage, things that need forgiveness, do it.  Leave absolutely nothing unsaid to him.  If there are ways you have hurt each other over the years, do the hard work of talking it out, forgive and get it resolved.   

Here’s another hard one… You need to talk to him about getting remarried.  You need to give him your blessing.  If something happens to you and if he decides to remarry – It will be easier for him if he knows he has your blessing.  That marriage doesn’t rob or steal from your marriage.  It would only add to what you already have.  I know that is hard to hear and something you don’t want to think about… but you need to.   Believe me, he will mourn you.  He will be lost without you.  But you don’t want him to stay in that pain.  You need to free him to love, and you need to be secure in your love for each other.  There is no greater love than that.  It is crazy but true.  I don’t know how to explain it but if he chooses to remarry, that marriage will honor you and your marriage. You need to have hard talks with your girls too.  Yes, you need to talk to them about the possibility of their dad remarrying if something happens to you.  They need to know he has your blessing, and they need to know that it is ok to welcome and embrace her into the family.  Loving her and accepting her, only honors you.  

Another issue is how to mourn well. I am not saying this diagnosis will be terminal but use this time to mourn and lament in prayer over the diagnosis and teach your family to do the same.  People often feel that they are not honoring their loved ones that have passed if they are not continually mourning.  They feel a sense of disloyalty if they are not mourning or if they love and embrace another.  Jeff and I coined the phrase, “Joy and sorrow can and do dance together beautifully.”  There is so much deep truth in that.  As you learn to lament, you will see how joy and sorrow can do that together.  Talk to them and include them in your lament.  Show them what godly mourning looks like.  Give them freedom to lament & turn to God.  Help them to see God and trust Him in the process.  I have gone through so much loss in my life and have watched others as well.  It is way too easy to get stuck in the loss and pain and be consumed by it.  I have watched people be controlled and hindered by it.  I don’t want that for you, and you don’t want that for your family.  Teach them to lament.  

There are other things I want to share but I won’t write them down, I’d rather share them verbally.  God has given you the beautiful gift of time.  Please use it to fight hard against this cancer but also use it to point your family to God’s sovereignty.  God is not finished using you.  You are not finished being a help-mate to your husband, and you are not finished teaching the girls how to be spiritual giants here on earth.  Part of honoring God is honoring others while you walk through this chapter in your life.  

My mom said over and over during her diagnosis… “I have a friend who sticks closer than a brother.”  I now understand why that verse was so important to her.  No one could walk with her through the diagnosis like Jesus did.  Let Jesus lead and guide you through this journey.  

I am praying and believing in God for complete physical and spiritual healing here on earth!"

 

What do you do when someone wants your blessing?

Gen 12:1-3,7  "Now the Lord said to Abram, “Go from your country and your kindred and your father's house to the land that I will show you. And I will make of you a great nation, and I will bless you and make your name great, so that you will be a blessing.  I will bless those who bless you, and him who dishonors you I will curse, and in you all the families of the earth shall be blessed…. Then the Lord appeared to Abram and said, “To your offspring I will give this land.”

Gen 13:8-12  “So Abram said to Lot, “Let’s not have any quarreling between you and me, or between your herders and mine, for we are close relatives. Is not the whole land before you? Let’s part company. If you go to the left, I’ll go to the right; if you go to the right, I’ll go to the left.” Lot looked around and saw that the whole plain of the Jordan toward Zoar was well watered, like the garden of the Lord, like the land of Egypt. (This was before the Lord destroyed Sodom and Gomorrah.) So Lot chose for himself the whole plain of the Jordan and set out toward the east. The two men parted company: Abram lived in the land of Canaan, while Lot lived among the cities of the plain and pitched his tents near Sodom.”

I find it interesting that Abram did the opposite of what our self-centered human nature does. Abram allowed Lot to have the first choice of the land while he stood back and gave preference to the one who wanted was rightfully his.  Why?  Hold on to that question and I will come back to it.

Abram and Lot were never unified.  They each had a different mission and as a result there was friction from the start.  However, the conflict between them rose to the surface.  Because of their prosperity, their possessions were so great, that they could not dwell together.  The land was too small for both of them and all their flocks.  As a result, their herdsman started fighting over pastures and who had the rights to them.

Abram knows God has promised him the land and the blessing of prosperity.  If that’s true (which it was) then why didn’t He just take it?  Why did he defer to Lot?  Why would he let Lot be the first to choose what part of the land he would like to make his own?  Was Abram showing a lack of self-interest?  Why on earth would he be so generous?

It is because Abram not only believed in the sovereignty and promises of God, but he trusted that if God made a promise, he would see it through.  Deferring to Lot didn’t threaten what God had promised Abram.  Abram didn’t need to fight for what God had already said was his.  The battle was God’s to fight, and Abram rested in the promise and left the future provision to God to work out.

This passage is meaningful to me because my husband and I lived out something very similar.  God has given each of His children a calling and a host of promises that accompany it.  As hard as people can try, no one can steal it unless we let them.  God may be invisible, but He is certainly not inactive.  We do not need to come apart when it appears that we are about to be crowded out of the picture.  Silenced.  God is still pulling strings to ensure our future.  We can step aside and be gracious, even to the unrighteous, and feel no need to fight for what God has already said is ours.  We can choose to live in the confidence of God’s promises rather than the fear of being left out.

Think of a child.  From the time we are small, we cry when another takes away our toy.  We protest, “It’s mine!  We throw a tantrum when we don’t get it back.  Don’t miss it.  As adults, we do the same thing. It takes grace to act differently.

Jesus laid down his life to become a servant, we can do the same.  Jesus’ future was not threatened even though it looked like it was for a period time.  But look, today He sits as the right hand of God. 

Can we follow Jesus’ example?  What if we choose to live like Jesus?  What if we choose to live like Abram.  Deferring does not threaten what God has promised.  Deferring is an act of faith, trusting in God’s sovereignty and promises and believing He will keep them.