A childhood friend that I have walked life with recently received the hard news that she has aggressive cancer. I wrote her a letter that I want to save and put out in the world. The content is too important not to share.
"Ever since you revealed your diagnosis, I haven’t
stopped thinking of “stuff” I want to share with you. If at any point,
this letter is too much, put it down. You know my heart. I will, with all
my heart, battle your diagnosis through prayer. There is power in prayer
and there is power in the name of Jesus. I believe in it with every ounce
of my being. I continually pray the powerful healing name of Jesus over
your body daily and often hourly as you come to mind. As I said before,
the only power I have to change this physical situation is through the power of
prayer, but I can challenge you spiritually.
Your main focus is to fight hard against this cancer.
To do everything in your power to fight it. You need to give it 100% of
your energy. I believe our God heals and until He takes us home, we need
to live this life to the fullest and fight against the enemy. We need to
not let anything rob us of the mission God has set before us.
Part of fighting hard against cancer is allowing yourself
the grace to mourn and lament over this diagnosis. I will share more about that
later.
At the same time, you have been given something else… a
beautiful and powerful gift that also needs 100% of your attention. At
times, it will take everything in you to live it out. When we talked on
Thursday night, we both agreed that you now have a new mission. A chapter
of your life that will be extremely hard at times, but for whatever reason God
has entrusted you with it.
You may not remember this, but I sure do. When my mom
died, you told me you were jealous. I asked why and you said, “The Lord
took my dad in an instant. I didn’t get to say goodbye. God gave
you time with your mom.” Our God is a gracious god. He was no less
gracious to you with the loss of your dad than he was to me with the loss of my
mom, but I understood your pain.
I want to flip that narrative though and look at it
differently. Our gracious God gives each of us different gifts, different
trials, and different responsibilities. Early on, you got the beautiful
gift of marriage and babies while I got the gift of singleness for a very long
season in my life. Both were beautiful gifts however each had their own
trials and responsibilities that came with them. We do not know the hour
God will call any of us home however I do know with everything in me, God has
given you the beautiful gift and responsibility of time through this
diagnosis. The truth is that we are all given the gift of time but so
many of us do not live with the reality of it until a trial like this comes
along.
My mom lived those 12 weeks with intentionality. She
fought the cancer hard. She however saw something bigger than just the
cancer when she was diagnosed. For her, every encounter with others
became sacred. Looking back, I think my mom always lived that way but
after the diagnosis, it catapulted her. Every hospital stay, she was
present for those that came into her room. But it was so much more than
that too. My mom left this earth well. Please hear me clearly.
I don’t believe your diagnosis has to be a death sentence. I am praying
and believe in complete healing here on earth. With that said, let it
awaken you to a new mission. My mom intentionally met with those she
loved and said what she needed to say to them. I can’t speak for my
siblings but for me she left no word unspoken. Those words have lived on
in me for these past 14 years. The conversations we had brought healing
and freedom in my life. The rest of this e-mail I want to focus on that…
leave nothing unsaid or undone. As Christians we do not talk about this
part of running the race well. Until God calls you home, your mission is
to fight the cancer hard, but you still have a mission with your family and
close friends. I will be blunt. You are not finished training your
girls in the way they should go. You are not finished being a help-mate
to your husband. You are not finished bringing healing and freedom to
your family and friends. How you walk out your diagnosis in faith is huge
but just as important and maybe even more important is how you walk out your
faith with your family.
Please, I beg you. Be like my mom. Leave nothing
unspoken or unresolved. Tell those around you how proud and thankful you
are for each of them. There are also hard conversations you are going to
have to have as well. Conversations that will take everything in
you. You are going to need to have hard conversations with your spouse
and hard conversations with the girls (& probably some hard conversations
with family/friends too) in order to bring healing and release so that they can
be all God has called them to be. I have seen both sides of
illness. I have seen the beautiful gift of earthly healing and I have
seen the beautiful gift of complete heavenly healing. It is the second I
want to challenge you on. If God calls you home, you will be free and
completely whole; however your family will still be here on earth. How
you leave them will matter… leave them whole. With the way my life
unfolded, I have seen and walked life alongside the loss of loved ones. I
now fully understand some of the things my mom said during our last
conversation before she was called home.
My mom’s words live in my heart and mind, but I wish I had
written them down. I would love to encourage you to record or start a
journal for your husband and the girls… maybe three journals (one for
each). I am sharing some of the stuff my mom shared with me, but I am
also sharing some of my own experiences too. Through Christ, you have the
power to live free and free those you love. This freedom I am talking
about (in a lot of ways) can only come from you.
As I said, share with each of them how proud you are of
them. Leave nothing unsaid. Tell them your dreams and hopes both
physically but also spiritually for them. Point them over and over again
to God as often as possible. Write to them… journal and challenge them in
areas you may have stayed away from challenging them in the past.
As hard as it will be for you to read this next section… do
it Gayle. Talk to your husband… Have hard conversations. I am not
just talking about your finances and inheritance but the more important stuff
we sometimes try to void. You probably already know what those
conversations need to be. But in case you need a little help… If there
are things that need resolution in your marriage, things that need forgiveness,
do it. Leave absolutely nothing unsaid to him. If there are ways
you have hurt each other over the years, do the hard work of talking it out,
forgive and get it resolved.
Here’s another hard one… You need to talk to him about
getting remarried. You need to give him your blessing. If something
happens to you and if he decides to remarry – It will be easier for him if he
knows he has your blessing. That marriage doesn’t rob or steal from your
marriage. It would only add to what you already have. I know that
is hard to hear and something you don’t want to think about… but you need
to. Believe me, he will mourn you. He will be lost without
you. But you don’t want him to stay in that pain. You need to free
him to love, and you need to be secure in your love for each other. There
is no greater love than that. It is crazy but true. I don’t know
how to explain it but if he chooses to remarry, that marriage will honor you
and your marriage. You need to have hard talks with your girls too. Yes,
you need to talk to them about the possibility of their dad remarrying if
something happens to you. They need to know he has your blessing, and they
need to know that it is ok to welcome and embrace her into the family.
Loving her and accepting her, only honors you.
Another issue is how to mourn well. I am not saying this
diagnosis will be terminal but use this time to mourn and lament in prayer over
the diagnosis and teach your family to do the same. People often feel
that they are not honoring their loved ones that have passed if they are not
continually mourning. They feel a sense of disloyalty if they are not
mourning or if they love and embrace another. Jeff and I coined the
phrase, “Joy and sorrow can and do dance together beautifully.” There is
so much deep truth in that. As you learn to lament, you will see how joy
and sorrow can do that together. Talk to them and include them in your
lament. Show them what godly mourning looks like. Give them freedom
to lament & turn to God. Help them to see God and trust Him in the
process. I have gone through so much loss in my life and have watched
others as well. It is way too easy to get stuck in the loss and pain and
be consumed by it. I have watched people be controlled and hindered by
it. I don’t want that for you, and you don’t want that for your
family. Teach them to lament.
There are other things I want to share but I won’t write
them down, I’d rather share them verbally. God has given you the
beautiful gift of time. Please use it to fight hard against this cancer
but also use it to point your family to God’s sovereignty. God is not
finished using you. You are not finished being a help-mate to your
husband, and you are not finished teaching the girls how to be spiritual giants
here on earth. Part of honoring God is honoring others while you walk
through this chapter in your life.
My mom said over and over during her diagnosis… “I have a
friend who sticks closer than a brother.” I now understand why that verse
was so important to her. No one could walk with her through the diagnosis
like Jesus did. Let Jesus lead and guide you through this
journey.
I am praying and believing in God for complete physical and
spiritual healing here on earth!"
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