Darkness...

This last year and a half has been a test of faith in many ways. Sometimes I passed with flying colors and other times I didn’t. It’s been a year of disappointments, difficulties and circumstances that have been out of my control. (Key word “control”) Although I know God’s love is true and He will never fail me, I often questioned it because (to me) it didn’t feel like love. Instead of feeling loved, I felt alone and abandon. Not just by family and friends but my God as well.

Darkness

Complete and utter darkness... The surroundings - cold and damp. So cold and damp that the core of one's body, to its bones aches. I often felt like I was walking in this darkness this past year. So dark that I couldn’t see a hand held in front of me nor the next step to take. Because I couldn’t see, I often found that I stood still. I didn't stand still out of fear but because I felt lost. I am not so sure standing still is the right thing to do but in my case that is exactly what I did…

When you are in utter darkness, you can no longer rely on your sense of sight. Instead, other senses end up taking over and those senses usually become stronger. During this state of darkness, I prayed that my sense of hearing would grow stronger. I prayed that I would be able to hear the voice of God and in faith walk towards Him, allowing him to hold my hand.

I know and believe with all my heart that God deeply loves me. I truly have an amazing relationship with Him. He is not a stern-browed god but His love is sweet and tender. He shows me love in wondrous ways. When I think of His love, I often think of the whales on my 40th birthday, or the shooting star... there are so many other devine encounters. However I desire that one of those thoughts of His love will eventually include how I clearly heard His voice and held His hand in the midst of deep, cold darkness. Oh, may I learn to be ok amidst the darkness and find peace, comfort and love because I can hear His voice and I hold His hand.

Merry Christmas!

I just wanted to share the best parts of this year’s Christmas with you. It started with a friend (Margie M.) giving me an Advent Rope (pictured below). The Advent Rope is just that… a rope that had 25 “gifts” tied to it and hung in my house. Each day there was a different bible verse and/or simple gift that would direct my attention to Christ. It honestly was one of the best gifts I could have received this holiday season. It spoke directly to my heart and pointed me each day to the true meaning of this holiday season.

The second event was a visit this morning to a Cancer Center in a local hospital. I went with a friend in honor of our moms’ and of course to bring Christ’s love to those who needed to spend Christmas in the hospital. It was (for me) the perfect way to start my Christmas day. We met in the lobby and before going up to the ward, we prayed together and asked the Lord to go before us and touch the hearts of those we would come in contact with. As soon as we reach the floor, we ran into my friend's core cancer doctor (most cancer patients have a team of doctors with one core doctor overseeing the medical care). When I say our encounter with this doctor was a “God” moment, I really mean it was a “God” moment. Just that conversation alone made the whole trip to the hospital worthwhile. If that was the only encounter we had, it would have been worth it.

However it wasn’t our only encounter! Our first hospital room visit was with a lady named Katie. Katie will be having surgery this week. If you are reading this, will you stop and say a prayer for her? She is originally from Korea and moved to CT three years ago to be with her two sons. She is anxious about the surgery but seemed encouraged by our visit. Our second visit was with a man named Vinny. We first saw Vinny walking the hallways. We later found out that he was working on getting his strength back so he could go home either tomorrow or Tuesday. When we entered Vinny’s room, we saw a bible on his dresser. He seemed very willing to let us visit with him and shared that he also celebrated Christmas. Our third visit was with a young man that seemed to not be able to talk. He had a visitor in his room so we briefly introduced ourselves and left our gifts as the doctor was right behind us waiting to meet with them. Our fourth visit was with a man named Russ. Russ at first seemed a bit cautious with our visit and wanted to know why we were there to see him. We simple explained that we had spent a lot of time on this floor over the last year and wanted to come back to visit those that unfortunately would have to be in the hospital during this holiday season. Russ, who is known as the weird beard of radio DJs, is having a lot of back pain and health issues. Pray for complete healing of his body, soul and mind. He seemed very weak and on top of his own health issues, his wife just had knee replacement surgery and cannot possibly help take care of him if and when he goes home. When we left his room, he told us how thankful he was for our visit and that we were able to encourage him. The last visit was with Melanie. Both Melanie and her husband are struggling with cancer. Please pray for them. As we left her room, she had an older roommate that was Jewish that we stopped to visit with as well. This older lady had a visitor so we didn’t stay long nor did we ask too many questions. I think if she had not had a visitor, she would have been open to our visiting her as well. Every person we went to visit, we were able to pray with them, leave gifts and hopefully encouraged their spirits in the process.

I really do not know if I can express just how much both of these events touched my heart this year. God used both Marjie and Daniel to touch the deepest parts of my heart. I am not sure they understand just how powerful both of these events have been during this season of my life and how much I felt loved as a result. One of my strongest "love languages" is actually when someone directs my mind/heart/soul towards Christ. I never feel more loved or encouraged then when I am encouraged in Christ.

I wish everyone a "Mary" Christmas. Praying that you all sit at the feet of Christ and are silent before him so you can hear His voice this holiday season. Merry Christmas!

Pearls, Gemstones, and Diamonds...

Pearls, Gemstones and Diamonds...

They are valuable, rare and one of earth's most beautiful treasures. But have you ever thought of how they are created or where they come from? Take for instance a pearl. Pearls are created deep down on the bottom of the ocean inside the shell of an oyster. Think for a moment the environment a pearl is created in. The ocean floor is dark and cold. Or what about the shell? It is not necessarily the home I would want to be created in. The exterior of the shell is often discolored, callous, crusty and frankly not attractive to look at, touch or hold. Despite its environment, the pearl, a hard rounded gem is formed. How is it formed you may ask? It is formed by irritation. The oyster reacts to an irritation caused by a foreign object. The foreign object can be anything from a parasite to a tiny piece of sand. Have you ever had a foreign object like a pebble in your shoe? Not comfortable at all! The foreign object slips into the oyster’s shell and begins to rub against the soft inner tissue causing irritation. In response to the irritation, the oyster secretes layers of calcium carbonate around the object producing a hard substance. After several years, the substance eventually develops into one of the world’s most beautiful gems – the pearl. Here is something interesting I found out… The greater the irritation is, the more valuable the pearl.

Like the oyster, Ruth experienced many irritations/trials in her young life. She grieved the death of her father-in-law and her beloved husband. She bravely faced the change in direction of her life as well as embraced a move to a foreign land with a bitter mother-in-law. When she arrived in the strange land, the trials did not end. She was immediately thrown into a new working situation among total strangers with new customs. She found herself being the main provider/caretaker for the family. The responsibilities were larger then she could bear. Yet through all the stresses in life, her faith began to wrap itself around the painful situation.

During this holiday season, we think of Jesus’ birth. What was his birth like? Jesus Christ, who is Lord of lords and King of kings. He was born in a manger alongside dirty animals and poop. What kind of environment was that for the birth of the King?!

I wonder how many people view themselves as an ugly oyster. They focus on the discolored, callous, crusty and unpleasant outward appearance. Or what about their environment? How many see themselves as living in dark, cold, deep waters, lonely and beset with trials that come their way and they often think this is not the life they wanted and find their environment and appearance to be unpleasant. To make matters worse, they continually compare their crusty exterior to all the other beautiful seashells around them.

If you are one of these individuals like me, be encouraged. Don’t view the trials of life as irritating grains of sand to be discarded as quickly as possible. Realize that God has them in your life in order to create something beautiful in you.

James 1:2-4 says “Consider it all joy, my brother, when you encounter various trials, knowing that the testing of your faith produces endurance. And let endurance have its perfect result, that you may be perfect and complete, lacking in nothing.”

God is using the sands of trials to make you perfect and complete. He’s developing pearls of character in your life. An ugly oyster shell is an unlikely place to find a lovely gem, but Isaiah 55:8 says, “For My thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways My ways…” You may see an ugly shell, but God sees the beauty He is creating in you.

Are the sands of trials and irritations causing you bitterness right now, or are you allowing these trials to change you into a priceless pearl? The Lord wants you to be a Person of Virtue – a costly, beautiful pearl for all to admire. Proverb 31:30 says “Charm is deceptive, and beauty is fleeting, but a woman who fears the Lord is to be praised.”

This is the lesson I have learned in regards to the grains of sand in my life. It is my deepest prayer that I would be moldable by those irritations so that pearls of wisdom and beauty may be the result… May this be true in you as well.

Its been a long year...

It's been a long time since I last wrote a blog. For many reasons I stayed away. One main reason I stopped blogging was that someone said that my blogging was fake and not real. Their comments were a direct result of pain in their own life however I listened and believed those lies for way too long... I am so glad I have a God who knows my heart and loves me for me.

It's been a very hard year... I have never felt hurt like I have this past year. I lost one of my best friends (my mom) a year ago and in many ways as a result of that loss, I lost the rest of my family too. Don't get me wrong. We all still love each other very much but life goes on and families refocus. I not only lost my mom and family but I had a job change, dear friendships became distant and a good friend entered heaven's gates way too early. But that is now all in the past.

Today is a new beginning...

I will choose to walk in victory. I will exercise self-control, and will choose to overcome difficulties and embrace the assignments God has in store for me. My goal is not to please man but to capture what God has planned for my life in the midst of all these changes.