Darkness...

This last year and a half has been a test of faith in many ways. Sometimes I passed with flying colors and other times I didn’t. It’s been a year of disappointments, difficulties and circumstances that have been out of my control. (Key word “control”) Although I know God’s love is true and He will never fail me, I often questioned it because (to me) it didn’t feel like love. Instead of feeling loved, I felt alone and abandon. Not just by family and friends but my God as well.

Darkness

Complete and utter darkness... The surroundings - cold and damp. So cold and damp that the core of one's body, to its bones aches. I often felt like I was walking in this darkness this past year. So dark that I couldn’t see a hand held in front of me nor the next step to take. Because I couldn’t see, I often found that I stood still. I didn't stand still out of fear but because I felt lost. I am not so sure standing still is the right thing to do but in my case that is exactly what I did…

When you are in utter darkness, you can no longer rely on your sense of sight. Instead, other senses end up taking over and those senses usually become stronger. During this state of darkness, I prayed that my sense of hearing would grow stronger. I prayed that I would be able to hear the voice of God and in faith walk towards Him, allowing him to hold my hand.

I know and believe with all my heart that God deeply loves me. I truly have an amazing relationship with Him. He is not a stern-browed god but His love is sweet and tender. He shows me love in wondrous ways. When I think of His love, I often think of the whales on my 40th birthday, or the shooting star... there are so many other devine encounters. However I desire that one of those thoughts of His love will eventually include how I clearly heard His voice and held His hand in the midst of deep, cold darkness. Oh, may I learn to be ok amidst the darkness and find peace, comfort and love because I can hear His voice and I hold His hand.